The Balancing Act...

The whole last few weeks have been such struggles to obey God's whispers. Surely what I was hearing couldn't be true...surely God didn't mean this or that....not me...not that way.....God had for so long told me to be "quiet" "still" "home" "prepare" yet a new message is being whispered " It is time" My need to steer my life's boat often sinks my own ship.... I have always believed in preparing, planning, and producing...rowing the boat hard, yet often without results when I am in charge. But when I am obedient to God's whisperings, God's winds take my boat to new places....my life is provided for, peaceful even in the storms, and with joy abundant....even in the hardest of trials. My life becomes rich with love as does our home.... You see, I have been struggling with what to be at this point in my life....whether to remain at home working from home, whether to accept an outside of my home offer or two, or whether it is my job to further our finances through my business or (my favorite fantasy) should I focus on keeping my head down, learn to clean the house (a never ending lesson), continue schooling our daughter, enjoy home the children and push aside any other attention bringing behaviors entirely. ....it seems less risky....but it would also be flat disobedient God whispers....
My husband and I though have both heard God's whisperings for many years. We have understood God clearly and have been affirmed by others that we are to share with others about the restoration in our lives through God's grace, to educate ministry staffs and members about the needs of blended families. A ministry to help heal broken hearts and to help families hand their hurts to God, the Healer. Sharing our private lives is not something that comes easy to me, our personal failings, experiences and living through the risks that being transparent in public brings. Divorce is a very public sin...and many people are very harsh in their judgement of those of us who are divorced/remarried. I personally am very imperfect...daily...hourly.... I've asked God over and over if He's sure, if we are hearing Him right....if He remembers who I've been, who I am, I remind Him regularly that I am the one who failed...who fails regularly and but that's what God's grace is about, and He seems to laugh at me and gently reminds me He was there and there are others who are where I was, who need a gentle word and truth spoken to them....who need His love and grace and someone who understands....yet who most of all needs God.....
The world continually calls us to do this, that, and be something.....the electric bill comes regularly...as does the need for money for other things.... I was educated in college to be someone or do something, I know how ....I've worked in the world as someone doing something, being paid on a schedule and I know that system well......yet God has carefully whispered as I have walked this out, that I could and in fact SHOULD release myself from being "in charge" and I was no longer needed as "planner" of my destiny, my life, or my success...that simply all I had to do was trust Him what I was commanded to do....Trust Him....He would lift from my shoulders the weight of planning, of planting, of provision....if I would be obedient to His whispers. Wow...letting go is tough.
You would think after all God has done in my life my memories would remain fresh as to how often and many ways He's provided for me, restored me, given me things that in no way I deserve (like this happy marriage I live in). But this new path, this whole life trust walk feels like a tightrope with many stories to fall again...but God continually reminds me that He is with me and that if I will simply trust Him....my difficult balancing act will stop and I will simply put one foot in front of the other and walk His path . It's a struggle for me truthfully....one that I meet every morning and go to bed with every night...this letting go of control.....but as I choose to trust Him more deeply, to be obedient to His calls.... God has given me amazing glimpses of His work on my behalf....and the time has come to share just how God has brought restoration to my life and my family.....for after much gnashing of teeth and writhing of my silly hands....I am ready to trust Him on this new path of sharing .....of the restoration God offers all of us ....

Psalm 40:2-4
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. 3 He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.