When I came home from teaching full time, my mother was dying, we lived thirty miles away and my children attended a school yet another 20 miles in the other direction. I came home kicking and screaming truthfully....it wasn't my goal and it wasn't my desire. Eventually I obeyed God's call to come home.
This year after four years of God saying "no" "Not now" and "just a little" He changed my answers to prayers about this and that regarding ministry. The answer in November became "it is time." What? Oh no you don't...not now...not after moving, rearranging my world, figuring out how to do this thing called be at home....NOW???
Six weeks ago I was in Dallas. God completely changed the sails again as He set up the situation that our desire to work with church leadership and organizational leadership came suddenly, and at once we were swamped with things to do to prepare to go forward.
Today I realize the new normal is here. The normal that says some hours of a day I am a homeschool mum, a wife, and a mother and stepmother. Other hours I am writing and being published as a step mom advocate and family advocate. Other hours the phone rings and its amazing authors and publishers who are now part of my weekly brain team ....and I simply look in the mirror and say "How did God do this?" "Why is He trusting ME with this...me the one who almost always managed to mangle simple things!"
But God didn't ask or suggest I would understand or ask permission. He simply expects me to listen to His call, do what is before me, and praise Him all the way through.
Today I look around a home that needs more tending. A family that deserves the kind of lunch we had today for Mother's day, every day. And I realize that more and more my life will compartmentalize so that the hours they are home and available I will be too. The hours they are with friends, church, or at school (for the boys) I will work to on these dreams God has given us.....and while the learning curve is still vertical, the lessons are consistently coming!
As I stop panicking that I don't know what or how to do this and trust God more....it feels like the out of control spinning plates are beginning to spin more to a pattern of delicate music...and I feel like I am beginning to sway with the music and not as many plates are spinning out of control....there have been more times of squishing mud between my toes while we gardened....more times of quiet walks with friends....more dinners with special desserts prepared...and more flowers smelled and puppies played with.
God continues to whisper do this , do that...but most often he simply whispers "Be in my presence, stay in my presence....let me affirm that you are okay and its all going to be okay" and He has... Phone calls come at the exact right time, help arrives when its time to take the next steps....bills are paid in ways I never imagined...God is God and His ways are not our own....
Today I realized this week we found the "ahhh" again....that deep sigh of peace and understanding that says nothing is truly under our control, but in relying on God...we can relax for He is in control.....no matter what....no matter when....no matter what happens in the future...God is God and He is good!
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